2nd time successful

2nd time successful IV insertion. 

Now in a 70+ year old elderly. 

But he's got good veins. 

But maybe cuz I had Dr KJ behind me so I was kinda more relaxed.

Erm.

Anyways.

It counts 🤣

One happy thing today~ 😊😊😊

Paranoid Personality Disorder

So... I am starting to feel pretty sure my mom has this 

So, according to this web, sign and symptoms:

• Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them.

## believes there are scammers on Youtube that pops a scam when she is watching videos, asking her for money.

• Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them

## refuses to put profile pictures (not even of random Google photos she likes) or birthday on her online accounts, refuses to put even her name initially. Thinks ppl can make use of that and do bad to her.

Recently she's saying that my aunt (my father's Sister) has casted black magic on her using her birthday and that's what has caused her hospitalisation few years back.

To this I argue: you means every one that ends up hospitalised are there because of black magic? Who is it so free huh. Every day I seen hundreds of patients getting admitted. Who isit casting spells on them? Got so many ppl nothing better to do casting spells everyday ah? Black magic work so well why not do it to benefit themselves instead.

Then she smiles and shut up.

• Are unforgiving and hold grudges

Always holding grudges. Lost count. Example, repeatedly saying that if it was not for that worker that did not place the metal rod properly and causing her to hit her head and then all her studies went downhill and she became a drop out eventually and that's why she married my dad cuz of her low education level.

• Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly

My dad has gotten the hard end for this one. 

• Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others

Recently was on the public transport back home with her after getting groceries from Jurong point.

Came home and she was talking about the group of ang mohs in front of us giving us glances and talking in a foreign language. I noticed that they did glance once or twice but didn't think much about it. Like whatever. 

She feels that they are talking bad about us.

I asked her if she had understood their language.

She said no but still insisted on her gut feeling.

I told her maybe they just think we're hot chicks. 

She laughed.

• Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate

Always. 

• Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful

Uhm this she never reveal if she does think so.

• Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous

Very cold and distant towards her mother and siblings. Though the long distant relationship may have been the cause.

• Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts and believe they are always right

Stubborn in her beliefs 

• Have difficulty relaxing

Very anxious. Especially when out of the house. Becomes very reliant on us. Gets jittery sometimes.

• Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative

Stubborn. Bold. Caps. Italic. Underline. Though she don't usually win me in an argument. Guess it runs in the genes.

...whut

Dreamt a weird dream.

Somehow was unwell at work, fainted or smth. 

Woke up and the Dr was telling me that I've got this gyne issue 

"Neemoid ecchymosis"

Lol this condition does not exist.

But in the dream it's something along the line where I had this weird swelling and bruise on my womb.

So I had to undergo surgery for it immediately.

Was calling my mum about it right before the op with the OT staff's phone. It almost felt like i was ready to die.

Very quickly the op finished.

Saw the many specimens from others hanging around.

Then I was discharged.

Lol.

Was on my way home calling my sis to find my mom, only to know she's told my dad and he's bringing my paternal side of the family to the hospital to visit me.

Lol.

Then.

I peed.

In real life too.

itching... but will I scratch it?

If only I had the courage to just... go on my own...

Can't imagine the stress I would be in though...

Kinda already stressful just looking and imagining myself going through it all.

Will it ever happen? I asked my mum today.

She replied, "Unlikely."

Sigh.

Oh man...

 So, the kid in the house has been in Canada for 1 month now

Looking at all the places she's been... I am so envious.

I wanna go back to Taiwan for a trip.

Taiwan still has it's leisure travel boarders closed though.

Just went and looked through all the stuff I uploaded in Drive.

Gosh the quality compress until I can't tell what is what

What the heck is 360p

Why does it still exist in 2022

LOL.

So I kinda silently made up my mind that if I do go Taiwan again,

I want to book hedo hotel again.

For it's interior and it's service.

Hopefully, it still has the free chauffeur to airport service the next time I do go back.

COVID. WHY.

my advanced care planning

So I was whatsapping a colleague who just left ED to Carehub and somehow the conversation led to staying single ... 

So my plan is to earn as much as I can then when I finally have enough of everything and have reached the state where I can no longer care for myself/ have enough money to sustain crazy healthcare expenses... I'll hire a private nurse to take me overseas, and then start my countdown to my last days. Go sightseeing for a while (if I still can see) then admit to a hospital for euthanasia.

What's the point of being alive, have got no family around anymore (assuming my parents have passed when I reached that state), and have no quality of life.

Right?

Hmm... Looks like I've got quite a bit of a choice huh. Hahaha

people leaving

So... 

When is it going to be my turn.

Ugh...

Why am I always so busy no matter where I am allocated.

Really tired.

sick and tired...

不想上班。。。

真的有点厌烦了。。。

累了。

luck

went down an escalator that was coming up.

dyshidrotic eczema

Think I've found the condition that I have.

Occasionally have small deep blisters that form on my hands and feet.

So I did some research and found out the following.

Pompholyx usually starts as intense itching and burning of the skin on the hands and fingers. The palms and sides of the fingers (and sometimes the soles of the feet) then erupt into tiny itchy blisters that may weep (leak) fluid.

In severe cases, the blisters may be quite large and may spread to the backs of the hands, feet and limbs.

The skin can sometimes become infected. Signs of an infection can include the blisters becoming very painful and oozing pus or becoming covered in a golden crust.

The blisters will usually heal within a few weeks. The skin tends to become dry and crack or peel as it starts to heal.

It's not clear exactly what causes pompholyx, but it may be triggered or made worse by:

a fungal skin infection – this may be on the hands or at a distant site from the blisters (such as in between the toes) and will need treating

a reaction to something that has touched your skin – such as certain metals (particularly nickel), detergents, household chemicals, soap, shampoo, cosmetic products or perfume

stress

sweating – pompholyx is more common in spring and summer, in warmer climates, and in people with hyperhidrosis(external link opens in a new window / tab) (excessive sweating)

bleak hopeful

 so now... am attending this zoom where the hospital APNs are sharing about their roles and so-called "achievement" or "contribution" to the hospital like reducing hospital reattendance etc.

Whenever people ask me about my so-called final goal/ destination in nursing, more often than not, I had replied that I want to be a community APN specialising in chronic diseases. Was kinda inspired when I went for my polyclinic attachment and sat in for a consultation with the APN. Can still remember her talking to her patient regarding his sugar control, his medication and diet, and the patient had left the room with new information on how to control his sugar levels. He had been taking lots of fruits -- contributing to his high sugar level. It had never crossed his mind that fruits could one day be an obstacle in his health management. In the eyes of many elderly, fruits are good stuff.

So it kinda stirred some strings inside me since then.

I want to do something like that too.

But.

It feels a bit unreachable.

From my observation, all the APN had one thing in common. 

Outspoken.

Knowledgeable too.

These which I have not.

Kinda sad.

People tell me, you can force yourself to be outspoken.

You can force yourself to be out there, to be noticed.

I don't know about that.

Sometimes I hate myself for that.

I just refuse to make myself uncomfortable.

I just want to stay in my little shell.

Maybe I should.

And just slowly rot inside.

God.

This is getting depressing.

The zoom lecture is getting more and more uninteresting.

Like - 

so many boom pows, fireworks, things that I am still not at a level to understand.

Which reminds me again of how far I am from them.

...

...

still going downhill

Ok. Something is seriously wrong with my luck these days.

Initially I didn't think too much about it.

You know, life is all ups and downs.

But ... It's been stuck in the downs for some time... And still kinda not picking back up.

So... Update re: the IV NOVOSeven.

I received a call from my new nurse manager BV. Asking me who had ordered the medicine. So I replied as to what I rmb, the Haem Dr. What name exactly I can't rmb. I've got so many new MOs to recognise and remember their names.

Then the next question. Did our ED Dr note about the order?

Yes, Dr Lim EL noted. He came over for a while while me and RN CPN was preparing the medicine. And he threw a casual comment about yah yah learn it or smth along that line cuz we were fumbling with the instructions paper.

Third question. Was I preparing the medicine to give ourselves or to give to the Dr to give?

Uhm... I thought nurses were licensed to give IV meds as long as it's not a controlled drug? And MAR did not stop me from administering it. It allowed 2 registered nurses to cosign too. So... 

She went on the say that apparently it is a blood product so we may not be licensed to give... But like... Blood transfusions leh? 2 registered nurses can give ah...?

She was like we need to find out. May need to EHOR ( reporting the event to the higher ups ). Lol. Fine, I wait for their final decision. But I definitely did not cause harm to patient what... Dr's hands more skilled in giving IV meds meh. Idk man. As long as we give the meds over the stipulated time, like for this NOVOSeven it's 2minutes, why we cannot give? I don't think ward nurses (experience from my 4 years as a student) handed any drug other than IV controlled drugs to doctors...

Ok. That's that.

Next thing.

Ok. This, I feel like I abit too naive and got too much integrity to spare.

Was sending pt up to Neurosurg High Dependency ward... Just when I am about to end my shift. With a new MO. He kinda pushed a bit too fast and didn't really stop in time for the flappy door to fully open. And... You guessed it. We broke the door.

While we could definitely have stayed silent about it since no one witnessed the event other than the both of us... I don't know what gave me the courage to confess to the nurses that we might have broken the door. Like the flap kinda popped from the higher metal hinge on top controlling the opening and closing.

So. They asked for my name... And the MO's name. She said she might need to report to her Sister regarding this.

So how? Have to tell my Sister lah... Otherwise their Sister call my Sister and then the whole shit is going to be worse. So have to prepare them lorh... So I told Sister H. And... Yah. Waiting for updates.

Walao.

You get what I mean?

Like on top of my swayness in patient load... 

Ugh.

sometimes I just do the stupidest things

So... Today's story starts with this medication: NOVOSeven

A little bit of information about this medication --

So...

The story was, it came as a new set of complicated shidazzle. Need to connect the adaptor to the vial lah, connect the plunger by pushing and twisting tight lah, connect the syringe to the adaptor lah, swirl the medicine slowly lah draw out the medicine into the syringe lah, expel the air lah...

All went well until I tried to give the patient the medication. Then I realized that the syringe couldn't fit the IV cannula luer lock.

RN C.P.N. attempted to transfer the medication into our syringe by drawing it out from the tip of the syringe. But the needle couldn't fit the tiny tip. 

So me being the kanchiong one and having a few new patients pushed me to want to get things over and done with quickly.

So I did what I observed Dr's do when preparing lignocaine - pour into a syringe and put back the plunger. (Wrong demo alert)

And.

You guessed it.

I spilled the medicine.

$2000++ in one tiny 1ml.

Gone. 

So... I resupplied the medicine again and that was another hoo hah with the Pharmacist side.

Need email lah this and that lah...

I was trying so hard to remain calm.

I feel my left sided chest pain coming back, probably due to anxiety.

I called my Nursing Officer on shift to report on what happened. Integrity at the max man. I jolly well could have pretended nothing happened and give the pt the spilled medicine. Non-sterile anymore. (Wrong thinking alert).

God.

So I handed over to the afternoon shift since he came at 1430hrs.

And then I thought of a better way I could have handled the whole shit. (And this time I did the following as I cosigned it with him)

After dilution, LEAVE THE DAMN MEDICINE IN THE VIAL AND NOT FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS TO DRAW IT OUT.

THEN, DETACH THE ADAPTER FROM THE VIAL.

THEN, USE A 3ML SYRINGE WITH GREEN NEEDLE TO ASPIRATE THE DAMN MEDICINE INTO THE SYRINGE.

DISCONNECT THE NEEDLE AND GIVE THE MEDICINE WITH THE 3ML SYRINGE WHICH IS KNOWN TO BE COMPATIBLE WITH THE LUER LOCK!

OK.

That was a lot of exclamation.

Well. If they're going to ask me to pay for it then I guess I will give them my bonus for this month.

Damn it.

🤦🏻‍♀️😑🤯😵🥴💥👀

continuing my stay in the living room

So... 

Just when I thought I could stop staying in the living room...

Was literally cleaning out the toilet of our "isolation room" aka my room when I asked my sis to go do an ART cuz she was having headaches, sore throat and was feverish.

That was it.

As she put it, she was "pregnant with COVID"

And just nice, day 7 is when she was going to fly.

Lol.

Gosh... It's been really hot and humid the past few days.

And last night I have gotten so many mosquito bites over my left hip...

Mosbye apparently don't work too well huh.

when things just go down the vortex

scalded myself with hot coffee...

Ugh.

🤦🏻‍♀️

back in the living room

well... 

as the title suggests, I am back to my life of living in the living room.

the dad has caught it.

2 lines

Though I also feel a little sore in my throat, I'm negative.

Well, at least for today.

Ha.

Glad I slept for 10h last night in my room.

Only slept for about 2h just now in the living room

God it's so hot and humid right now...

I don't know how he's going to isolate for so long

He never really spent 24h at home, what more 24h x5 in a room.

Good luck to us.

disappointment

Haiz...

Just had my TPM

Everything "Meets Requirement"

Sister Celine was asking me if I had thought about promotion since it has been almost 3 years...

I was like... 

You all haven't even sent me to the basic ED courses, how am I going to be equipped with the knowledge enough to become a Senior Staff Nurse? (Of course, I didn't put it that way)

Have been pushing for it since last year for them to send me to triage course, trauma courses... But nope, they still haven't. Though I have been illegally triaging patients. Especially when I am at P2C and am the Zone in charge. Ha. Hahaha. So I apparently have not been pushing it hard enough.

What can I do? 

Can you understand the frustration of being an introvert plus a socially awkward person? I get stressed, super stressed in this kind of situations... Like for example, yesterday I had a patient in P1 who was transferred from AH for Melena and near syncope. The patient's Hb level was low and thus he required blood transfusion. Before the blood product had come, he had been allocated a bed by the bed management unit. My senior colleague was all ready to start to prepare to send him to the ward. Do you know how much inner courage it took me to voice out that I would want to start the transfusion here in ED first? This was cuz the ward will take longer to start the transfusion since they were had to go through the extra step of take written consent from the patient by the Dr prior, unlike in ED we take verbal consents.

After 30 minutes of transfusion and close monitoring I thought that the patient was stable enough to be transferred to the general ward, and so I voiced out during the Dr.s  rounds that pt has got a bed and vitals are stable, and begun the preparation process.

After I had prepared all the stuff, I thought that out of courtesy I'd call the ward first to ensure that they were ready to receive my patient (since blood transfusion required close monitoring and the pt has got other infusions ongoing and so I wanted the ward to prepare their infusion pumps). I was put on hold for 5 minutes, only to be told that sorry, can you call back in 15minutes, the nurse is talking to the other patient relatives. Not wanting to sound like a nurse who lack understanding between colleagues, I agreed... Only to be told 10 minutes later by my clerk that I cannot send my patient over, they are reshuffling the beds now. So I thought, okay, maybe they want to place my patient closer to the nursing counter ... And said alright.

Never did I expect to be allocated an occupied bed. Meaning I had to wait for the pt on that allocated bed to discharge and after the cleaner cleans the area and bed, and god knows when is that. So they obviously gave my bed to someone else instead of "reshuffling".

So I had to go and tell the ED consultant sorry, that the pt wasn't going to the ward afterall as they've takenaway the bed, and asked for permission to downtriage the patient to PAC2. He questioned why and asked why I didn't question them and scold the ward. I hope he's joking. He then commented that my face was red. Duh. I felt my blood rush up to my face when he asked why I didn't call to scold the ward staff.

You get me now?

I can't be the only one in this world that will feel this way right?

Ughs. Feeling horrible.

Went and impulse bought a bunch of snacks.

Guess my period is coming.

Breathe. 

Inner peace.

just an update on the recents

 1. Am reaching three years in my nursing career in ED

Have been contemplating how long more I should stay further.

I am not bonded.

I am free to leave.

It has been really tiring.

I don't know if it's my luck, but I am almost always at the busiest zone in the shift.

One nurse to 15 patients is no joke when they put me at P2E.

The algorithm of P2A and D sucks and makes no sense.

Why P2A has more doctors and patients more often than not, as compared to P2D when there are lesser nurses in P2A？

This has been raised to the management and I see improvements on certain days but... still.

But can I really let go of the slightly higher pay than if I were to leave to the polyclincs?

Thought I would leave by the end of this year but... really? 

When the time comes can I really pen down and shove the resignation letter/ letter of transfer in their face?

2. Grandma passed.

It has been 15 days since she passed on the 2nd day of this month.

Thought I had gotten over it, given how not-close of a relationship I share with her... but my sister made me read her descriptive blog post just now... and I cried.

Looking back...

It was the first time I'd seen my dad cry in 26 years of my life.

Not to the extent of sobbing.

But there were tears in his eyes, bloodshot.

His voice trembling and soft, very different from his usual loud and rough mannerisms.

So I did what I did.

I went over to the other side of grandma's hospital bed and hugged him.

When I had first received the news, I was having my afternoon shift dinner break, shoving bread down my throat as I read through the notes of my patients, looking at updates in plans and orders, new lab results etc., making a list in my head of what I would need to do after I got back on ground.

My dad voiced messaged me. Twice. To tell me that my grandma was in a dangerous situation, and asked if I can make it down tonight to visit her.

I made a note in my head to head down straight across the country right after work.

After which I continued scrolling through my patients' notes, and hoping that I don't get more patients.

"Fong! Ah mah already gone"

That was it.0

A single line in the whatsapp popup.

My mind was blank.

Then thousands of thoughts started racing through me.

But I quickly made a decision.

My dad needed me... or at least, someone from my immediate family.

I took a deep breath and called my nurse manager, stating the situation and asking for permission to leave.

Thankfully she had given me the green light after a long pause. If she had not, I am quite positive that I would have slapped my resignation letter on her desk after the whole ordeal.

I then called my sister. I wanted her to get there as quickly as possible too.

I booked Grab to take me quickly too. $30+ fee? Whatever. Have been grabbing from Jurong to CGH for the past few days anyway.

I still remember getting on and my driver tried to crack a joke. "Huh? You came to the wrong hospital to work ah?" (I was still in my scrubs.)

I thank my inner peace as I had replied calmly, "No, I am going there to visit family."

I thanked him internally for accepting the job of cross-country and staying quiet for the rest of the trip as well despite the 6pm traffic jams on the 1-hour ride to CGH.

During the ride, I tried to picture the situation at the hospital. What is happening over there right now? Is my little aunt crying? She was the closest to my grandma as they lived together... and since she was not married, she was all the more closer to her. 

I thought about what I would say when I reached. I thought about what would be happening. I thought about what if... if we had not given in to grandma's request on Tuesday to take off her ventilator. Would things have been different? 

I also thought about what if she hadn't signed the consent for the operation. Maybe if we had waited a bit longer for her pneumonia to settle? Should I have tried to talk more to the GI consultant? Actually, maybe not. He had also said then that there is no such thing as a calculated best timing for op. We knew and had a common understanding of the risks, her age, her crooked spine, her clogged up aorta, her aspiration pneumonia... but the herniation of the stomach and transverse colon could mean that the blood supply to the herniated tissues is impeded. The tissues may turn ischemic, and that could have led to further complications... and so we had to take a chance... and leave the rest to God... 

But I guess God had already made plans to bring my grandma back to be with Him.

The whole thing went by quite quickly...

On the 24th May, my uncle had texted me that my grandma was having stomach pain. She was later given the diagnosis of "Gastritis" and discharged with Gastro appointment follow up.

On the 25th May, my aunt was asking me what to do as my grandma's symptoms are persisting and she was not taking well orally. I advised going back to the hospital to at least get IV meds and drip... and they brought her back and did an Xray. Which apparently, according to what my uncle said the doctors told him, "looks good". But thankfully, they decided to admit her for further monitoring. So I thought, oh well... perhaps it was a really bad gastritis.

On the 26th May, my uncle was telling me how the doctors are explaining that my grandma's aorta are clogged... and on the later part of the day... what we thought was gastritis became GI Obstruction. What my uncle had told me through msg was that "her intestines was blocked", and so I thought... maybe like my many patients in ED, small bowel obstruction. So I got a shock when the consultant told me about the herniation. Not only the intestine, the stomach too. Understanding the risks of the op, I ended the conversation with the consultant with making sure that they are giving my grandma prophylactic antibiotics already, he promised to find out (he wasn't the primary team) and to get them to order if they hadn't.

I could tell that my little aunt and uncle were worried... my grandma too, though she kept asking me to go home soon since I stayed really far away from CGH. So I made sure that she was in a comfortable position to rest before I left. That night, something in my instinct kept bugging me as I left the hospital with my sister and my dad... I remember telling my sister and dad, emphasizing the riskiness of the op. But I finally brushed it off with - oh well, I am still a relatively new nurse. My knowledge isn't enough to validate my instincts, right?

Side note, my dad somehow had an interesting thought of wanting to transfer my grandma to the hospital that I was working at and voiced it out in front of the consultant. I shot the idea down quickly. Like... I am happy that that may mean that you trust our hospital more, but excuse me? 

So on that same day, somewhere in the middle of the night, my grandma was pushed to the OT.

The very next day I remembered coming down to visit my grandma in the ICU after my morning shift. She was all wired and tubed up, her eyes closed. Judging from the ventilator waveform, she was asleep. So I did not enter the room, wanting her to receive as much rest as she could. post-op day 0, she'd definitely need rest, and it's normal to be drowsy from how our body responds to pneumonia and anaesthesia right?

So for the next few days, my grandma's fever was up and down. According to my uncle, the doctor had said that my grandma's white blood cells were low. So... I guess the pneumonia is likely from a virus? The thing about viral infections... there is nothing, no treatment to precisely target the virus. Just like dengue fever, all we can do is to make sure that the patient's fever is under a relatively good control and to keep the patient well hydrated. Nothing else. ANTIBIOTICS DO NOT HELP. It's like... using a metal detector to look for a plastic bottle, you get what I mean?

On the 31st May, it has been decided to follow my grandma's request to take her off the ventilator. Prior to this, they had apparently attempted it once but obviously failed to wean - which is why my grandma was still on the ventilator. From what I understood from my aunt, my grandma did not want to put the ventilator back even if she fails again. I would assume that they have opted for partial code (no CPR/ intubation/ defib etc)...

I stood outside the ICU room with my little aunt and cousin as they started the removal of the ETT (endotracheal tube).

Everyone was relieved when we saw my grandma breathing on her own, although she was still on the NRM mask. This meant that she still required the maximum concentration of oxygen to maintain her oxygen level... which was at 92-93%. Well, my patients with lung conditions are also unable to maintain SpO2 of >95% either and most doctors don't seem too concerned... so I had thought, hopefully, my grandma's immune system can rise up to fight the lung infection and her oxygen level will - volia! and get back to normal.

At this point in time, my grandma could still respond to our questions by nodding and shaking her head although she was really drowsy. I remember staying optimistic and telling my aunt (as she was still worried and concerned with the odd-looking NRM mask) that although grandma was on full 15L O2, there is still a chance that she can get better and we can slowly wean down the oxygen level. I said that to try to convince myself too... except that I was not... especially when I look at the IV morphine that was on continuous infusion. It all started to seem like - my grandma is becoming more and more like my patients who have been put on the End-of-life pathway... when the doctors are not fully confident that the patient would make it out of the hospital alive and well...

I also had to explain to all my concerned aunts and uncle that no, IV morphine is not to let grandma "slowly go" (they had thought it to be like euthanasia and of it to be as horrifying as murder), but was actually to make grandma as comfortable as possible and lower down her respiration rate (it was on the higher range of 20s). Believe me, you'll get really tired and feel horrible to be breathing that fast after a while.

The next day (1 June) grandma was moved to the general ward, as since she was off the ventilator and partial coded, ICU care was not required. I visited her again, and she seemed to be even more drowsy... But all of us could only pray and hope for the best. I decided to brush off any unpleasant thoughts and reassured my little aunt.

And on the 2nd, God decided to end my grandma's suffering and bring her back to Him. It was after my 2nd aunt whom we lost contact with for years came to visit and as my little aunt was reading the 4th page of bible verses to my grandma by her side. According to my aunt, grandma just stopped breathing altogether... and that was when they knew she was gone. 

I had rushed down in the middle of my shift like what I said at the start. I came to see the curtains of my grandma's bed drawn close. I took a deep breath and peeked in. A doctor was doing all the assessments to confirm that my grandma has indeed passed. We made eye contact and the first thing she asked was, "Are you in charge of this patient?" I don't blame her, I was in my scrubs... but I definitely had my backpack, and nurses in the wards of CGH don't wear scrubs. I replied that I was her (pointing to my grandma) granddaughter. I allowed the doctor to finish up with her assessment before going in. 

As I stood by the bed looking down at my grandma's lifeless body, I stared at her chest. Hard. I didn't know what I was hoping for... a little rise in the chest to let me exclaim to everyone that my grandma was still alive?

I stood still and held her cold hands. I wanted so much to talk to her... to tell her that I am here... but it was as if someone was holding me by my throat, and I could not make a sound while I let my tears well up in my eyes. It was until my younger sister started thanking my grandma for bringing my dad into this world, that I finally manage to find my shaking and mucous-muted voice and thank her too... for taking care of me for I don't recall how long when my mother was at the hospital giving birth to my younger sister, for making me porridge with some pork floss every day during that period, for giving me random domino pieces to meddle with to pass time. I paused before I continued to apologise. To apologise on behalf of my own mother... who decided not to visit... I shall not elaborate here, or that will be another 10000-word essay.

After the nurses performed last office and moved her to the quiet room, for the first time, I combed my grandma's hair. I decided to include my aunt too, and let her put the bobby pin for grandma. My 2nd uncle asked me if I go through this often. They'd assumed that I did, for I seemed to have no fear. The truth was, I have only seen last office twice. And that was during the time when I was a student... and they weren't even under my direct care.

The whole thing afterwards went quickly and the casket service came to pick my grandma up.

And that was the first time I saw my older male cousin cry.

Throughout the whole process, I became very alert and sensitive to my older relatives' emotions, especially my dad. It was a relief that there were no overtly dramatic howling and crying like in the dramas, all just tears and sniffs here and there... I would not know how to respond. Emotions are contagious. I do not think I can confidently handle a bunch of 50s and 60-year-olds sobbing their eyes out. I am also grateful to my older female cousin for making sure things were organised and smooth-flowing, and thankful to her for taking up that role... I am no leader in this kind of situation...

So, the next day we arrived at the funeral parlour at Tampines (5A Rose room) at about 3pm and waited for grandma to arrive. We stood in two lines at the door and someone so damnned played a super slow-tempoed amazing grace... making people cry. I saw my little aunt's shuddering shoulders from the corner of my eye. Then grandma came in, in an elegant white and silver casket. After the people put down the casket and my uncle checked the 'centredness' of how it was placed, we listened to our little uncle and the lady who was in charge of the funeral service, Ms Deborah, say a few prayers. Afterwhich, I noticed my sister go outside, sniffing. I went out too, wanting to make sure she was fine.

"Is it the song? I know right? So annoying..." I tried to laugh as I blinked back tears.

 I decided internally I'd boycott all Amazing grace from now. I can never listen to the song with the same inner peace and joy I had before this. Sorry, but really, nope.

The video montage played on both sides of the walls, and I guess all of us can say that we loved the part where granda was sitting and reading a verse in the bible so seriously and like a hardworking student.

 “要常常喜乐， 不住地祷告， 凡事谢恩，因为这是神在基督耶稣里向你们所定的旨意。”

I kinda like this verse too, though I am no Christian.

My grandma never went to school, but she was a very curious and studious person. Every year, our angpaos will have our names personally handwritten down in Chinese.

So the rest of the day went by with our family seated down across two tables, talking in random conversations, while occasionally going over to grandma to take a look at her. It was the first time I ever saw my grandma in makeup, and she was really pretty, lips curled so ever slightly into a smile, a blue floral shawl over her shoulders and across her chest. She looked so ever peaceful...

The second day was the memorial service and friends of our relatives came over to offer their condolences. I am glad that quite a few of my dad's childhood friends had come down... Which... come to think of it, kind of led me to think now... will I have anyone? Ha. Whatever. I do not think I'll want to entertain anyone. Sorry.

The day ended with several hymns and prayers. I am not sure if it is just my uncle and grandma's church, but they sure do sound like some cult chants with the way they are shouting it out and exclaiming "AMEN!" after every short phrase to fill in the void of a breath. I have been in a catholic school for 2 years, and I have also been to 2 churches... never was the experience the same... Was it because it is in Chinese this time round? I seriously don't know man...

The third day was the cremation. I thank God and please God bless the Grab driver who took up the job of driving us all the way from Jurong to the Tampines parlour at 6am in the morning. God bless your kind soul. I was worried that we would not make it in time. Turns out we were the first to reach... besides Mr Kenny (the other person-in-charge).

So, we escorted the casket down to the van - which was really beautiful by the way, with almost full-lengthed windows at the sides and back, and then down the street in two neat rows. Side note, I think it was the 上班时间 for the foreign workers, they were streaming up and down various lorries as we went by.

We then boarded the bus which ferried us to the Mandai crematorium. I sat alone as I listened to the song playing. I can't really remember the lyrics now but it was along the line of - until we meet again and see the smile on your face. Of course, in Chinese. Kinda liked it, tear-drawing, but not as annoying as the Amazing grace.

At Mandai, we waited for the NEA person for a while -  he took about 10 minutes to arrive I think. My dad was grumbling along the line about how dare they let us wait. Uhm, I guess... I don't know man.

We said prayers again and laid flowers on the casket. Visitors first, then us. Then... they sealed the casket up for good after taping the flowers in place. When they pasted (scotch-taped) grandma's photo on top, a few of us teared up again... 

We then moved to this huge lecture-hall lookalike place, except that the whiteboards are replaced by a full lengthed window with grab bars in front. We all stood in a line and waited. When grandma's casket finally appeared from below, my younger male cousin started bawling. Believe me, I was - sorry I can't find a word for it. Imagine a 187 large build young man crying his eyes out till he could not even stand properly. I guess it finally dawned upon us that this, was the final goodbye... 

Okay. I don't know why but suddenly Karen Mok' 这世界那么多人 is now replaying in my head.

Let's continue.

We watched the casket enter the huge doors and watched the doors close in... My heart was wrenching in pain as I tried hard to regulate my breathing, blinking away the tears that were stopping me to see my grandma clearly for the last time.

After the doors were fully shut, we were ushered down to the lobby. I felt my knees wobbling and grabbed onto the handlebars while going down the stairs. It was only after I had reached the last step that I remembered that I should take care of my dad too. I turned around with my probably red eyes and made eye contact with my little uncle who was behind me. He patted me on the shoulder lightly and I gave a little nod. No words were exchanged, but I guess we knew.

To my relief, my dad was still managing. It was my 187 cousin who had to be supported by his father and mother to get down the stairs and sit down for a while. I guess being brought up the most by my grandma amongst all the grandchildren has caused the sense of loss to be unbearable for him...

The drive back to the parlour on the bus was silent. I held my dad's hands almost throughout the trip while he tried to divert his attention by telling me all the areas that the bus was passing through that were his "territory" when he was younger.

When we reached the parlour, a few of us took my second uncle's van to Tampines Ikea which was a street down the parlour. It was still closed (opens only after 10am) so we were looking for places to sit down. My dad's feet were kind of hurting in the new shoes. He suggested going to Giant instead across the road, so the 3 of us parted ways with the rest. When we reached Giant, I quickly bought some almost smart-casual-looking slippers for him to change into. I could tell that his feet were relieved. :)

We then walked for a bit more before getting early lunch at the cafeteria on the same level.

After which we went to Ikea to later meet up with the rest, but my sister and I were mesmerised by all the comfy beds and sofas and took a seat in almost half of them. There was one velvety black one which was super comfortable and all of us agreed upon it, though not like we really are going to purchase it.

I was surprised at the number of people at Ikea - like... do you all really have so many things to buy from here?

After 1 pm we finally met up with the rest and my little aunt decided to book Grab and take the 3 of us with her while the rest took my uncle's van to Mandai again to collect the ashes.

We waited outside the area - it was their lunch time from 1-2pm, and there were other families that were there, all dressed in white. I looked at us. The vast difference made me reflect on all the different practices. It was almost as if ... Okay. Fine, I am the socially awkward one feeling out of place.

So the person helping us with the process came, dressed like he was ready for Hawaii. Kinda cool, not judging. 

I had thought it would be my 187 cousin who will be carrying the ashes (he's the so-called 长孙子"eldest grandson from a son"）, but apparently not. The job landed on my dad, who was the eldest son. So I carried his shoes (the one we changed out of) for him while he carried the transparent white box into a room, where we each took a piece of the bone to place in the white urn. To be honest, I had thought that we would be seeing fully grounded whitish-grey powder like in dramas, but quite a bit of the bones were still in palm-sized chunks - just light like styrofoam, powdery like chalk.

We then followed my dad, who was carrying the sealed urn up the slopes to block Jasmine and then up to the 4th floor. The view up there was nice, it felt peaceful as well. We watched as the Hawaii guy sealed the gaps between the tablet and the cubicle with putty... and then... it was the end. 

No more processes to go through, nothing else. It was a relief, followed by a sense of void.

We all then went on separate ways back home.

I reached home and decided to write myself a funeral proposal. Not the final draft though, to be further edited and confirmed.

新决定

 在这六年的期间，

我把自己心中所想都大部分聚集在脸书上。。。

那些比较私密的就都写在日记。

但我发觉脸书有太多双眼睛了。。。

太多监视着自己一举一动的眼睛。

好像自己是一位被公司，被经纪人看得死死的大明星。

那里。。。

不再自由。

我讨厌过度约地束自己。

在外，我似乎把真正的自己藏起来了。

下班后还得这样吗？

不，

我不要。💢

所以做了一个新决定。。。

决定再次来到这里。。。

多年荒废了的这里。。。

没认识的人会再来的这里。

又是一次好久好久不见。。。

没想到，时间一晃。。。都六年了。

已经大学毕业的自己，

都已经在国大紧急部门干了快三年年了。 

翻阅了之前的发文。。。发现一件事。 

我似乎不再对未来抱有很多长远的梦想， 

现在的自己只是一步一脚印。。。 

走向不知道通往哪里的路。 

不知道正走着的这条路前面会不会出现岔路， 

岔路又会带自己通往哪里。 

现在的自己好像也没那么在乎了。 

是因为长大了吗？ 

因为心里重视的东西不一样了？

还是已因为现实与理想相差太远， 

已经对这个世界失望了？ 。。。

我已经不想再想。 

截了个图，就当作留作纪念吧。。。 

纪念自己曾经的单纯。。。